THE EXECUTIVE FART A very loud fart by a very important person is an executive fart. It is either sharp or flat, somewhat off key but otherwise a very business like fart. No nonsense about it! but noone is supposed to notice. Particularly the farter. If you do not laugh at the executive fart its either your afraid of the the person who farted or the fart was just to gross. Common with very important people
THE FRENCH FART Said to be the most beautiful of farts. Usually in a minor key. Soft and musical with many half tones. Any long drawn out fart that seems beautiful to you is most likely a French Fart. Very Rare.
THE G AND L FART This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone.
THE GHOST FART A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a fart.
THE HIC-HACHOO-FART FART This is strictly an old lady’s fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, “My, my”, or “Well, well”. There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old person’s fart as there is.
THE JERK FART The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.
THE JOHN FART The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the wound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person’s trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons.
THE LEAD FART The heaviets of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a far. What was that, you might think? And never guess.
THE MALTED MILK BALL FART Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works this way. It is rare.
THE OH MY GOD FART This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts – a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg – as the Oh My God Fart. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first want to say, oh ****, which would be understandable.
THE OMEN FART This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention.
THE ORGANIC FART Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and health his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best.
THE POO-POO FART This is a fart by a very small kid. The kid farts and then says “go poo-poo now”. And somebody takes him and he does.
THE QUIVER FART A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Fart.
THE RAMBLING PHADUKA FART You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fifteen seconds.
THE RELIEF FART Sound or odor don’t matter on this one. What matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will even say, “Wow, what a relief”. Very common.
THE RELUCTANT FART This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man. The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It gives the impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some instances.
THE RUSTY GATE FART The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart. Is is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts.
THE S.B.D. FART S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of the most common farts that exists. No problem of identification with this one.
THE SANDPAPER FART This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much. You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common.
THE S’CUSE ME FART This rare fart excuses itself as it is farted. It is about as close to words as a fart can get. The sound it makes is like a little soft whisper that says “S’cuse me.” The most polite of all farts and very silly when you are alone.
THE SKILLSAW FART A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skillsaw ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common.
THE SONIC BOOM FART The people who believe in this fart claim it is even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous. No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off.
THE SPLATTER FART Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all.
THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER FART This is one of the few farts that can bring tears to people’s eyes and lumps to their throats and otherwise get them all stired up.
THE STUTTER FART If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny fart. It is a fart that can’t seem to get going. The sound is best described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW… It is usually a forced-out far that gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets farted after considerable effort.
THE TACO BELL FART The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours or even a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around after, too, even on a windy day.
THE TEFLON FART Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind is right he will never know.
THE THANK GOD I’M ALONE FART Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look around after you have farted and say Thank God I’m alone. Then you get out of there.
THE TICKLE FART A group one only and one of the easiest to identify. Usually a slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled this is the fart for you.